Phil's Day
A day in the life of a boy pig.
‘Today fucking sucked!’, Phil exclaimed.
He was seething in anger. Not only had he gotten fucked over at work for the umpteenth time but some asshole Trump supporter had crossed his path without wearing a mask! He knew it was deliberate since they were the only ones out on the street and he got within 20 feet of him.
Phil was sure he had covid so he had quarantined himself in his room and was talking to his wife on zoom.
‘What an idiot,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry honey it’s gonna be okay. Tell me what happened at work.’
‘Remember Chad the PM?’ he said, ‘He got a promotion. They liked his shit white paper about the 12 steps we need to take to properly plan out the 20 steps we need to take for next quarter.’
‘Meanwhile, they totally ignored my beautiful linked list structure solution I had implemented to insure our ticketing system sent emails to everyone on the team when somebody submitted a form.’
‘They just don’t understand your value babe,’ said his wife. ‘This is what happens when non-tech people are in charge.’
‘Damn sure!’ Phil shouted. ‘They had the nerve to ask me why I spent a week building this and didn’t just use a slack bot. The fucking nerve of these people!’’
‘Don’t worry baby,’ Phil’s wife said. ‘Chad and his cronies will get what’s coming to them. I’m sure they don’t wear masks when they drive all alone in their cars so it’s a matter of time before they die from covid. Then you’ll be in charge.’
The thought calmed Phil down. ‘Thanks hon - alright I’m going to go to work now,’ he said, switching screens to Hacker News. ‘Oh - look I found an article lamenting the death of RSS Feeds and how this dude built a website that looks like its from 2005 in 2020. This is definitely a great use of my time.’
‘Alright - enjoy hon,’ said Phil’s wife. ‘I’m gonna go to a protest organized by the girls.’
‘Bye!’
After his wife had left Phil quickly went through the article and realized the author’s know it all tone and total lack of practical street smart had left him rock hard. He was just like him!
'Deciding he couldn’t contain himself Phil quickly got a condom, some vegan lube and a Trader Joe’s used paper bag (he was trying to preserve toilet paper like a responsible adult of course).
Putting the condom on (safety first!), he scrolled to r/Coronavirus and vigorously jerked himself off.